Whenever a new relationship begins, you have a choice.
The options are either: start the new relationship with clear and open intentions; or start the relationship with blind or hidden intentions.
This works for both our personal and business relationships.
In new business relationships, we may seek to make a sale, get a job, hire an employee, solve a specific problem, or resolve a conflict. All these challenges of the business world involve people meeting each other and interacting for a first time. The intention we have as we start the new relationship sets the stage for the outcome and success/failure of our desired result.
When we’re clear about the result we want, it’s much simpler for the other person to understand our challenge and help us achieve our desired result.
When we’re blind to the result we want or if we hide our true intentions, then we’re depending on the other person being a psychic or a fool. It’s hit-or-miss at best.
Business relationships have less emotional attachment than personal relationships, but the emotional attachment to a new job, a new employee, or even a purchase of a home can still be significant.
New personal relationships – especially romantic – have an avalanche of emotions attached to them.
New personal relationships give two people the opportunity to really benefit by starting with a clear intention.
I’ve been a single guy all my life. Never married. No children. A few years ago, I uncovered a childhood story that sabotaged every romantic relationship I ever attempted. With that story out in the open, it no longer a blind spot to me, and it no longer my 40+ year secret, I now want to start all new relationships with purposeful intention.
So what does purposeful intention mean?
Imagine you’re viewing the desired outcome from 40,000 feet. Only seeing the big picture. Ask, ‘What does it look like when I step back and see only what’s most important?… temporarily forgetting all the details...‘
For example:
- How do you imagine a healthy, loving relationship? What does it look like?
- What things are non-negotiable?
- What lifestyle is ideal? And what lifestyle choices are deal-breakers?
Being single and available to date for most of my life has provided me with an expertise on every dating option from bar pickups to the internet.
I’ve failed at every genre. The few successes I have had have been short-lived and too often started with either no intention or the wrong intention. So even my successes have been failures.
Recently, I decided to do an experiment. What if I attempt to start a new relationship by being 100% open and honest about my intentions? What if I purposefully avoid asking any questions about her background, preferences, and life details? What if I instead simply ask, ‘What do you want in your future?’ What if our first several conversations sidestep the emotional triggers that blind us?… i.e. physical attraction and emotional desire.‘
The world of internet dating made this experiment possible. We have the option of using the written word to communicate with someone when we only know a few sentences about them and have a few pictures to form a visual image of who the person is. The imagination then takes over.
I recently met a woman and did this exact experiment.
She was a good sport and humored me by playing along. I specifically described this intention early in our conversation.
Here is what happened. For almost a week we communicated back-n-forth at the big-picture level. We took turns describing the future life we both desired. We talked about core values and deal-breakers. We delved into spiritual beliefs and life philosophies.
An interesting thing occurred. The deeper we went, the greater the number of additional areas of philosophical belief opened up. And a greater curiosity about who this person is developed. Keep in mind, we still hadn’t shared any details about where we were born, marital status, children, siblings, schooling, jobs/careers, and so forth.
I was flying blind about who this person had been while gaining a vision of who this woman wants to be in the future.
At the point where we risked crossing the line from intentionality into fantasyland, we arranged to speak by phone. Success. She’s normal. She has a well-organized, storage locker filled with life lessons and adventures while her baggage appears to all fit neatly into a carry-on suitcase.
When you begin a new relationship – whether business or personal – you have a choice.
You can jump in and let it go wherever, or you can decide in advance why you want the relationship to begin and then proceed with intentionality.